One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn’t help but notice her, first, because she reminded
him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmother did.

“Young m-m-m-man?” she stammered to the clerk, “Do you sell v- v-vibrators here?”

“Yes ma’am, we do,” he replied, a little embarrassed.

“B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?” asked the old lady.

“Yes ma’am, we have some like that.”

“The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?”

“Yes ma’am, we’ve got just about any size you’d want,” said the young clerk.

“The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?”

“Yes ma’am we carry some like that.”

“Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?”

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office. Do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out… … carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.

… and there on the couch I sat… … with nothing on but my socks…

…and *that’s* why I fired my secretary.

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady f#^king like rabbits. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter